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The place to talk about off topic, non-Cardiacs related stuff and topics that do not belong in another forum.

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Helmet
Official Bard of the Fishies
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Location: Leicester

Postby Helmet » Mon Jun 25, 2007 11:48

The Ubiquitous Murray Mexted (New Zealand's David Coleman)

The best quotes from New Zealand Sky TV rugby man, the ubiquitous Murray Mexted

"You don't like to see hookers going down on players like that."

"He's looking for some meaningul penetration into the backline."

"Spencer's running across field calling out, come inside me, come inside me."

"I would not say he (Rico Gear) is the best left winger in the Super 14, but there are none better."

"The turf here (Newlands) never took properly and it isn't very well rooted...in fact you could say it is rooted.....did I just say that?"

A Sky TV producer was conducting a sound test before the last Springbok test at Carisbrook... "Murray can you hear me?....Murray can you hear me?" Murray: "No."

"We want consistency, but we don't want a consistent referee to consistently blow the whistle."

"Was it knocked forward or knocked-on?" during the NZ/Aus Tri-Nations Match.

"I don't like this new law, because your first instinct when you see a man on the ground is to go down on him."

"Darry Gibson has been quite magnificent coming inside Andrew Mehrtens, and I'm looking forward to seeing more of the same today."

"Everybody knows that I have been pumping Martin Leslie for a couple seasons now" from a 1988 Super 12 Hurricanes Match

:)
Music is the best...............

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Helmet
Official Bard of the Fishies
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Joined: Sun Aug 06, 2006 19:54
Location: Leicester

Postby Helmet » Tue Jun 26, 2007 15:29

McDonnell Douglas Questionnaire

This was actually posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas website by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humour.

The company, of course, does not have a sense of humour-and made the web department take it down immediately.


**************************************************************************


Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

1. [_] Mr.[_] Mrs.[_] Ms.[_] Miss[_] Lt. [_] Gen.[_] Comrade[_]Classified[_] Other
First Name:.....................................................
Initial: ........
Last Name:.....................................................
Password: .............................. (max 8 char)
Code Name:......................................................
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ...............................

2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth
[_] Classified

3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19....... / ....... /.......

4. Serial Number:.................................................

5. Please check where this product was purchased:
[_] Received as gift / aid package
[_] Catalog showroom
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order
[_] Discount store
[_] Government surplus
[_] Classified

6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:
[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Espionage
[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one

7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
[_] Style / appearance
[_] Speed / maneuverability
[_] Price / value
[_] Comfort / convenience
[_] Kickback / bribe
[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Backroom politics
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat

8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
[_] North America
[_] Central / South America
[_] Aircraft carrier
[_] Europe
[_] Middle East
[_] Africa
[_] Asia / Far East
[_] Misc.. Third World countries
[_] Classified

9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future:
[_] Color TV
[_] VCR
[_] ICBM
[_] Killer Satellite
[_] CD Player
[_] Air-to-Air Missiles
[_] Space Shuttle
[_] Home Computer
[_] Nuclear Weapon

10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Check all that apply:)
[_] Communist / Socialist
[_] Terrorist
[_] Crazed
[_] Neutral
[_] Democratic (or Republican)
[_] Dictatorship
[_] Corrupt
[_] Primitive / Tribal

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
[_] Deficit spending
[_] Cash
[_] Suitcases of cocaine
[_] Oil revenues
[_] Personal check
[_] Credit card
[_] Ransom money
[_] Traveler's check

12. Your occupation:
[_] Homemaker
[_] Sales / marketing
[_] Revolutionary
[_] Clerical
[_] Mercenary
[_] Tyrant
[_] Middle management
[_] Defense Minister / General
[_] Retired
[_] Student

13. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:
[_] Golf
[_] Boating / sailing
[_] Sabotage
[_] Running / jogging
[_] Propaganda / misinformation
[_] Destabilization / overthrow
[_] Default on loans
[_] Gardening
[_] Crafts
[_] Black market / smuggling
[_] Collectibles / collections
[_] Watching sports on TV
[_] Wines
[_] Interrogation / torture
[_] Household pets
[_] Crushing rebellions
[_] Espionage / reconnaissance
[_] Fashion clothing
[_] Border disputes
[_] Mutually Assured Destruction

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:

McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division
P.O. Box 800, St. Louis, MO
Music is the best...............

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brother abnego
"To log off and things"
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Postby brother abnego » Thu Jun 28, 2007 10:10

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of a sarcastic comment and the person who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate's disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12.. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.! ): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole

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Gubbins
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Postby Gubbins » Thu Jun 28, 2007 12:56

Hahahahaha, reintarnation, hahahahaha

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frostbyte
"oh engineer....."
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Postby frostbyte » Thu Jun 28, 2007 17:55

i love intaxication and caterpallor!!!
"We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?"

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Helmet
Official Bard of the Fishies
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Joined: Sun Aug 06, 2006 19:54
Location: Leicester

Postby Helmet » Mon Jul 02, 2007 13:56

"Irish" Medical Dictionary

Artery.............................. The study of paintings.

Bacteria............................ Back door to cafeteria.


Barium.............................. What doctors do when patients die.


Benign...............................What you be, after you be eight.


Caesarean Section...............A neighbourhood in Rome.


Catscan............................ Searching for Kitty.


Cauterize.......................... Made eye contact with her.


Colic................................ A sheep dog.


Coma............................... A punctuation mark.


Dilate............................... To live long.


Enema.............................. Not a friend.


Fester.............................. Quicker than someone else.


Fibula............................... A small lie.


Impotent........................... Distinguished, well known. Labour


Pain..................................Getting hurt at work. Medical


Staff.................................. A Doctor's cane.


Morbid............................... A higher offer.


Nitrates............................ Cheaper than day rates.



Node................................ I knew it.


Outpatient......................... A person who has fainted.


Pelvis............................... Second cousin to Elvis.


Post Operative................... A letter carrier.


Recovery Room................... Place to do upholstery.


Rectum............................. Nearly killed him.


Secretion.......................... Hiding something.


Seizure............................. Roman emperor.


Tablet.............................. A small table. Terminal


Illness.............................. Getting sick at the airport.


Tumour.............................One plus one more.


Urine............................... Opposite of you're out.


2xCondoms........................To be sure, to be sure
Music is the best...............

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Helmet
Official Bard of the Fishies
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Joined: Sun Aug 06, 2006 19:54
Location: Leicester

Postby Helmet » Fri Jul 06, 2007 12:45

Why the public should never be allowed to travel

The following are actual stories provided by American travel agents:

* I had someone ask for an aisle seats so that his or her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
*A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
* I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts. "Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape cod is in Massachusetts, Cape Town is in Africa." Her response ... click.
* A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
* I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."
* Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
* A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
* A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
* I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."
* "A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."
* A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double-checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
* A woman called to make reservations "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the
agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and I can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"

:)
Music is the best...............

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Pet Lamb
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Postby Pet Lamb » Fri Jul 06, 2007 12:51

There are some silly people in this world right enough... :lol:

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Helmet
Official Bard of the Fishies
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Postby Helmet » Mon Jul 23, 2007 08:18

Wisdom

A wise old man retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.
Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered.

The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that.

In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I?ll give you each a dollar if you?ll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession?s really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I?ll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and they continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

"Look," he said, "I haven?t received my Social Security check yet, so I?m not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we?re going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you?re nuts! No way, mister. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

:)
Music is the best...............