Problem and Advice Page

The place to talk about off topic, non-Cardiacs related stuff and topics that do not belong in another forum.

Moderator: The Alternate Consultant

User avatar
Helmet
Official Bard of the Fishies
Posts: 976
Joined: Sun Aug 06, 2006 19:54
Location: Leicester

Postby Helmet » Tue May 22, 2007 10:10

Worst first date ever!

If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!! We have all had bad dates...but this takes the cake.

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah.

It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.

They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.

Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation.

As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender.

Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and in need of some assistance!"

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!

Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down... or perhaps that should be"pants down." And embarrassing.

Jay Leno's comment .. "This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off. "

:lol: :)
Music is the best...............

User avatar
Helmet
Official Bard of the Fishies
Posts: 976
Joined: Sun Aug 06, 2006 19:54
Location: Leicester

Postby Helmet » Tue May 22, 2007 10:12

Excerpts from a diary

"Excerpts from a Dog's Diary"

6:00 am ? At last! I Go Pee! My favorite thing!
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
6:00 pm - They're home! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


"Excerpts from a Cat's Diary"

Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. B * stards! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe - for now....

:)
Music is the best...............

User avatar
Helmet
Official Bard of the Fishies
Posts: 976
Joined: Sun Aug 06, 2006 19:54
Location: Leicester

Postby Helmet » Thu May 24, 2007 08:28

Australian tourist board Q&A

The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors.

They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humor.

__________________________________________________

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

__________________________________________________

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks(Sweden)?

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

__________________________________________________

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns,Townsville and Hervey Bay?

(UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in

Australia?

(USA)

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.

Aus-tra-lia is that big island in themiddle of the Pacific which does not

... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

__________________________________________________

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get

here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

_________________________________________________

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule?

(USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)

A: You are a British politician, right?

__________________________________________________

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.

Milk is illegal.

__________________________________________________

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can

Dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.

All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and

make good pets.

__________________________________________________

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains ofanyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

__________________________________________________

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.

Can you tell me where I can sell it inAustralia? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female

population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

A: Yes, gay night clubs.

__________________________________________________

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)

A: Only at Christmas.

__________________________________________________

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the

Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help?

(USA)

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

:)
Music is the best...............

User avatar
Helmet
Official Bard of the Fishies
Posts: 976
Joined: Sun Aug 06, 2006 19:54
Location: Leicester

Postby Helmet » Tue May 29, 2007 08:28

Things to say when drunk

Things That Are Difficult to Say When Drunk:
Cinnamon

Indubitably

Innovative

Preliminary

Proliferation



Things That Are Very Difficult to Say When Drunk:
British Constitution

Loquacious

Transubstantiate

Passive-aggressive disorder

Specificity



Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE to Say When Drunk:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.

Nope, no more booze for me.

Sorry, but you're not really my type.

Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?

Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

You're right; I can't jump over that table.

:)
Music is the best...............

User avatar
Helmet
Official Bard of the Fishies
Posts: 976
Joined: Sun Aug 06, 2006 19:54
Location: Leicester

Postby Helmet » Thu May 31, 2007 08:25

How to feel good

How to feel good
1. Create a new file.
2. Name it "George Bush"

3. Send it to the recycle bin.

4. Empty the recycle bin.

5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get rid of "George Bush?"

6. Firmly Click "Yes."

7. Feel better.

:)
Music is the best...............

User avatar
Helmet
Official Bard of the Fishies
Posts: 976
Joined: Sun Aug 06, 2006 19:54
Location: Leicester

Postby Helmet » Wed Jun 06, 2007 08:18

Five Tips for a Woman....

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other!

:)
Music is the best...............

User avatar
Helmet
Official Bard of the Fishies
Posts: 976
Joined: Sun Aug 06, 2006 19:54
Location: Leicester

Postby Helmet » Tue Jun 12, 2007 08:12

Scientific experiment

Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day for a year, by the time we have consumed our 365th litre we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. coli) bacteria found in faeces.

In other words, we will have consumed 1 kilo of sh*t! However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine, beer (or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

WATER = SH*T

WINE = HEALTH


Free yourself of Poop, drink WINE!!!

It is better to drink wine and talk sh*t than to drink water and be full of it!

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I am doing it as a public service.

:)
Music is the best...............

User avatar
Helmet
Official Bard of the Fishies
Posts: 976
Joined: Sun Aug 06, 2006 19:54
Location: Leicester

Postby Helmet » Wed Jun 13, 2007 21:51

Laws

The Law of Avoiding Oversell" When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

"The Law of Common Sense" Never accept a drink from a urologist.

"The Law of Reality" Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

"The Law of Motivation" Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.

"Law of Impossibility" Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

"Law of Drunkenness" You can't fall off the floor, but you can hold on to the grass and try not to fall of the edge of the world.

:)
Music is the best...............

User avatar
chippy
Cardiacs Expert
Posts: 732
Joined: Wed Jan 24, 2007 23:59
Location: in a house drinking tea
Contact:

Postby chippy » Thu Jun 14, 2007 00:10

Helmet wrote:Scientific experiment

Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day for a year, by the time we have consumed our 365th litre we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. coli) bacteria found in faeces.

In other words, we will have consumed 1 kilo of sh*t! However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine, beer (or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

WATER = SH*T

WINE = HEALTH


Free yourself of Poop, drink WINE!!!

It is better to drink wine and talk sh*t than to drink water and be full of it!

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I am doing it as a public service.

:)


Helmet, this is by far the best thing I have read in ages *hick* amen to that!
There's thousands of people just like me all over

User avatar
Helmet
Official Bard of the Fishies
Posts: 976
Joined: Sun Aug 06, 2006 19:54
Location: Leicester

Postby Helmet » Fri Jun 15, 2007 08:33

Corporate Lessons

Lesson Number One:

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit noticed the crow, and asked, "Can I sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered, "Sure, why not."

So the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested.

All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit, and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson Number Two:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," the turkey said and sighed. "But I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, after a week, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

Soon, though, the turkey was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.


Lesson Number Three:

When the body was first created, all the parts wanted to be boss. The brain said, "I should be boss because I control all of the body's responses and functions."

The feet said, "We should be boss since we carry the brain about and get him where he wants to go."

The hands said, "We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."

Finally, the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the boss. So, the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up, and refused to work.

Within a short time, the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic, and the brain fevered. Eventually, they all decided that the asshole should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a boss -- any asshole will do.
:)
Music is the best...............

User avatar
Pet Lamb
Cardiacs Expert
Posts: 3334
Joined: Fri Jun 23, 2006 14:40
Location: Scotland
Contact:

Postby Pet Lamb » Fri Jun 15, 2007 12:43

Ha ha ha ha...how true are those morals...like it Helmet...you never let me down... :lol:

User avatar
Helmet
Official Bard of the Fishies
Posts: 976
Joined: Sun Aug 06, 2006 19:54
Location: Leicester

Postby Helmet » Fri Jun 22, 2007 11:06

At Last You Can Contact The Almighty

Since time immemorial, mankind has sought answers to fundamental questions. Why am I here? What is my purpose of life? What is the point of anything? And the most important question of all: Is there a God, and will he answer my prayers?
At last, The Answer can be revealed: Yes there is! And … Yes He WILL!

Verified by Quantum Physicists at CERN, Geneva, Swizerland and Imperial College, London, England, The God Phone™ is the new way to get instant access Your Creator!


The God Phone™ - also available in Blesséd White and Satanic Red

No more singing hymns or chanting obscure prayers from long ago. No more standing in the queue for the confessional. No more kneeling, bowing or scraping. No more bizarre rituals; and best of all - no need any more for lifelong devotion. This is the fast-track to spirituality.


It’s The Ultimate Quick Fix!

The design for this Incredible Device was Discovered by researchers investigating the strange properties of Quantum Orgone Energy, the mysterious life force which fills every part of the universe. By studying Ancient Wisdom such as the Bible, Quran, Torah and Vedic Writings, and continuing the work of The Great Thinkers:Leonardo Da Vinci, Lyall Watson, Eric von Daniken, Moses, L Ron Hubbard and Tuesday Lobsang Rampa, our researchers were able to design and build the world’s first working phone with a direct line to Heaven!But don’t take our word for it. See what our beta testers had to say:

“This is going to put the clergy out of business.” R. Williams, Canterbury, England

“I never thought they’d do it, but they have. And I asked, and I have received.” G. Brown, London, England

“It’s amazing. I’ve never had a prayer answered before. It’s like a dream come true.” N. Mandela, Johannesburg, South Africa

“I want two!” B. Spears, California, USA


Check out these Unique Features

Direct line to God, all day, every day
Works for all religions - Instant access to your Deity of choice
Filled with Genuine Quantum Physics so even works for Skeptics and Atheists
Antique effect, available in three colours
Increases Emotional Wealth by up to 600% - immediately!
Miracles on demand!
Never kneel in prayer again!!!



Ask for anything. Forgiveness of sins, wealth, love, happiness, health, magical powers … all this and more can be at your fingertips!

The God Phone™ is not available in any shop. Mail Order only: get yours now for the incredibly low introductory price of £997.95 + £15.99 P&P. Please allow forty days and forty nights for delivery.

Please Hurry! We can’t hold this price for long. Order before midnight tonight to guarantee this special introductory price.

But There’s More:
Order today and we’ll also include
The Spirit Directory - a complete listing of all the phone numbers for The Spirit World - absolutely free. A £267.97 value!

Followers of monotheistic religions please specify your choice of deity
Music is the best...............

User avatar
brother abnego
"To log off and things"
Posts: 2371
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2006 11:28
Location: bristol/somerset nexus
Contact:

Postby brother abnego » Fri Jun 22, 2007 16:22

...I'm a big fan of Richard Madeley (he of 'Richard and Judy' fame), TV presenter, Alan Partridge-esque strutting cock, and master of the innappropriate one-liner...for those of you who aren't familiar with the man, here's his chevy chase:
Image

...and here's the kind of comedy gold, courtesy of the folk at the Digital Spy forums, that he's known for (apologies for the long post, but I find that with Richard, the comic effect is cumulative):


> Interviewing Frank Sinatra's daughter:

"Now obviously you loved your father, but do you think you were actually in love with him?"


>Richard: "We'll have Neve Campbell on the show who was recently voted third sexiest woman in the history of cinema"

To Judy

"Do you think that's like being the third man on the moon?"

Judy (already exasperated after 10 seconds of the show): No.


> "I REALLY love ducks - they've always got a smile on their face."


> "YOU'RE just humming with sexual energy! Is it the fabric? Is it wearing tights?"

- Richard Madeley to transvestite artist Grayson Perry

>"WILL the gentleman with 1 nipple please reveal it?"

- Richard Madeley (Richard & Judy) Jan 31st 2006


> Confirming that only he could be impressed by Jade Goody's intelligence, Richard exclaims: "I've never met anyone who thought Sherlock Holmes invented the toilet." Later he tels her: "You're quite sharp. It's just that in the pure sense of the word, you're ignorant."


> "That particular octopus committed suicide, didn't he? He stabbed himself with his own beak."


> (ultra-partridge) Richard Madeley reacting to a trick by mind reader Derren Brown exclaiming: "Can we have a wooden stake, some petroleum and a rope? Because we are burning you at the end of the show!"


> During a "debate" about the Sarah Payne case, Richard asking, "Do you think it's time we took a radical approach to dealing with paedophiles, as opposed to fiddling with the edges?"


> MADDEST moment of the week on Richard & Judy: When one of Westlife revealed he'd had laser surgery and Richard leapt to his feet and tried forcing open his eyes "looking for scars".


> Alan Partridge-ism of the week came when, having watched a clip of a man struggling horribly with his stutter, Madeley turned to him and enthused: "You looked as if your head was going to come off!"


> Then Richard interviewed Bernadette Hughes, who was abandoned by her mother as a child.

"You were found on the doorstep of a church," Madeley mused rather romantically. "Were you in a little basket?"

"No," she pointed out. "I was naked, with the umbilical cord and afterbirth still attached, wrapped in a pile of newspapers and left on the doorstep."

At the age of 20, Hughes traced her mother.

"You then got a letter," chipped in Judy, "It said: 'Blood isn't thicker than water. I didn't want you then and I don't want you now. I've got a family of my own and you're not it. Get lost.'"

Which, if nothing else, cleared that up.


> Alan-esque interview questions included (to Sophie Ellis Bextor): "Where did you get your face?" which he expanded on with, "It's Egyptian, almost cat-like. What's it like without make-up?"


> His announcements included the promise that the next day's show would feature "the man who intends to amputate his own feet, on the internet!" and a warning about a gang of dog-knappers which inspired Judy to mutter, "They better not kidnap Geri Halliwell's dog. He's only a little shih-tzu."


> "We've launched a snoring hotline," Madeley bellowed before having hysterics listening to excerpts of viewers' snoring. "Don't worry," he announced Partridgely, "We've got much funnier ones."


> A young boy, who has what is officially the longest tongue in the country, revealed: "I used to stick it out and pick my nose with it."

After the groans died down, Madeley paused before conceding, "That is one HECK of a trick."


> But the most pricelessly Partridge-esque moment of the week came when Madeley drifted off into an anecdote about the time he dreamt he was in the cupboard under the stairs - a story that concluded, triumphantly, "And I WAS in the cupboard under the stairs. Right at the back with the wellies!"


> JOHN Fashanu (on his phobia of snakes): "About once a week I've been waking up in the night and the bed's been absolutely saturated."

Richard Madeley: "With sweat?"


> THIS week's highlights of the (increasingly bonkers) Richard & Judy:

# Richard telling the woman who missed out on £928,000 because she couldn't face the queue for the Lottery, "Maybe it was for the best."
# Richard's amazement that Judy knew how to pronounce Stolichnaya vodka (as in "two bottles of Stolichnaya, please").
# Richard's description of the You Say We Play competition as "like a parlour game - an old Edwardian parlour game."
# And finally, the Alan Partridge Moment Of The Week when Richard told Charlotte Church, "OK, imagine I'm someone from with a record company with a ponytail" and started shouting, "I OWN you, Church!"


> "When we first got together, one of the things me and Judy had in common was a passion for the correct use of the apostrophe" - Richard Madeley. (Richard & Judy)


> CARING INTERVIEWER OF THE WEEK

"Your short-term memory really is shot! It must drive you nuts!!"

- Richard Madeley to George Martin, subject of Living Without Memory (Richard & Judy)


>"IT'S funny. It doesn't work the other way round !"

- Richard Madeley on white wine improving red wine stains (Richard & Judy)


> "YOU'VE lost some weight, haven't you? Why's that? You're not ill are you?!" -

Richard to Mark Williams (Richard & Judy)


> RICHARD & Judy to Janet Street-Porter:

Richard: "Tell us why your mum was so ghastly."

Judy: "She was Welsh-speaking, wasn't she?"- (Richard & Judy)


> JUDY: "Blimey, I nearly sat on my microphone - I dread to think where it would have gone."

RICHARD: "Oooh I can tell you Judy. There's only one of two options!"


> The programme also featured more recent moments of note. This included an item in 2004 on Richard and Judy about the merits of piss drinking (or Urine Therapy as they opted to call it). This time Richard took the lead with Judy intermittently yelping in horror as 'Urine Therapist' Jim Crawford outlined the benefits of the yellow stuff sat in a glass on the table. "But its got germs!" Judy wailed, "No it hasn't" admonished piss doctor to the by now near-hysterical Judy as he proceeded to glug down a full glass of his own piss to a fascinated Madeley.

Judy: Oh My GOD

Richard: How would you describe the flavour?


> Interviewing actress Claire Goose, Richard asks, "Weren't you once a story-telling raccoon in a theme park?"

When Ms Goose tries to lead the discussion back to Waking The Dead, Richard continues, excitedly demanding "What sort of stories did you have to tell as a raccoon? Did you have a special raccoon voice?"


> Richard starts reminiscing about when he was small and his mother undressed in front of him.

"Where are we going with this?" Judy demands.

In a moment of pure Alan Partridge, Richard announces the competition.

"David Seaman is celebrating his 39th birthday today. His ponytail is 10!"


> He describes the phone number (08703-662-233) as "A numerically satisfying number there."


> Finally, Judy introduces the debate.

"Do you think that it's clever or crazy to implant children with computer chips?" Judy asks.

"How do you feel about getting a micro-chip in part of you?" Richard asks a 10-year-old boy. "We don't know which part yet..."


> When concluding the interview of someone who'd been permanently disabled after an accident, Richard comforts her by saying "You poor thing", before launching into "Anyway, coming up after the break...."


> Madeley can hardly contain himself when they have on a guest who is gay or bisexual. Instead of asking about their work or whatever he focuses on their sexuality, asking Rebecca Looes "so will you end up with a bloke or a woman?" and "would you want to snog Judy?" When John Barowman was on he asked him "Would you rather have sex with me or Judy?" to which the lovely John replied "I'd have your bottom half Richard and Judy's top half".


> Interviewing a teenage anorexic just now:
"5 Stone? Wow that's concentration camp thin that is"


> R&J are interviewing a man and a woman with dwarfism about 2 years ago. They had just come from Parliament, where they'd been protesting about the discrimination against little people and how the only jobs they could get were in panto and the like. To set the tone of the discussion, Madeley introduced a clip from Austin Powers showing how little people were cruelly treated as figures of fun for our entertainment.

Unfortunately the Mini-Me clip was really quite funny. He then asked the woman about playing a Wookie and meeting George Lucas (this is all true, I swear). I kept watching in horror, until he turned to the bloke and said, 'So you're protesting about this discrimination now. You must have had it up to here,' and put his fingertips to his forehead.


> I remember a time when they were doing one of their medical pieces about 'Women's problems' (with the creepy doctor who likes to say 'menstruation' alot).

Anyway, Richard interrupted the discussion with something along the lines of 'Yes, Judy - remember when you had thrush? You had a terrible time of it'.


> Acouple of years ago he interviewed a young kid with leukaemia. He greeted the boy with a cheery "Hello baldy!".


> “And that's a self-portrait of himself, by himself.”


> “When we (himself and Judy) were trying to conceive, I would douse
my balls in icy cold water before intercourse.'”


> "I've never met a single woman who's happy with the way she looks, except Jordan, although I've never met her,"


> Richard Madeley: "I understand you have a little lad of 12."
Caller: "Yes, that's right."
Richard Madeley: "Is he a boy or a girl?"
Caller: "A boy."


> "Frankly, I don't think that what we see on television is erotic enough. I haven't seen a sex scene on television recently that has remotely turned me on. And I've been there till 4am waiting for it."


> "Can you imagine if they'd had morris dancers at Dunkirk?"


...the horror...

User avatar
Helmet
Official Bard of the Fishies
Posts: 976
Joined: Sun Aug 06, 2006 19:54
Location: Leicester

Postby Helmet » Sat Jun 23, 2007 12:01

Airline Acronyms

AA
Abort! Abort!
Always Awful

Aer Lingus
Arousing Erotic Randy Ladies In Nice Green Uniform Suits.

Aeroflot
An Exciting Russian Offer For Lashings Of Terror

AI
Allah Informed

Air France
Any individual requiring Flight readily accepts nasty crashing experience

Air India
After I Return I'll never Do It Again
An Interesting Ride, I'll Not Do It Again

Alaska
Another Late Arrival, Start Kissing Ass

Allegany Airlines
Agony Airlines

Alia
Always Late In Arriving

Alitalia
Always Late In Transit, Always Late In Arrival
Airplane Landed In Tokyo And luggage In Alaska
A Little Italian Tit And Lotsa Italian Ass
A Little Italian Tradition And Lotsa Italian Attitude

American
A Miracle Each Rider Is Currently Alive Now
Airline Meals Eaten Regularly Induces Cramps and Nausea

ANSETT
Aircraft Nosewheel Stuck, Expect Tricky Touchdown

ATA
All Times Approximate
Armourous Tits & Ass

AUA
Almost Unknown Airline

AWA

Always Wasting Assets

BA
Bloody Awful
British Apoplectic
Bad Attitude

BEA
Better Eat Afterwards
Back Every Afternoon
Best Ever Airline
Been Ere Already

BNWA
Bankrupt Next Week - Again!
Bobs Not Winning Again

BOAC
Bend Over And Cough
Better On A Camel
Blast Off And Crash
Boeing Only Aircraft Club
Base Over Apex Corp
Britian's Only Airborne Circus
British Overdue Airlines Corporation

Boeing
Broken Off Engines In Numerous Gardens

BWIA
Baggage Wandering In Africa
Britains Worst Investment Abroad
Better Walk If you're Able
Born to Wait In Airports
But Will I Arrive?

CAAC
China Airlines Always Crashes
Chinese Airlines Always Cancel

Canada 3000
Cattlecar 3000

Dan Air
Dangerous And Nearly Always Incredibly Rough

Delta
Damaged Engines Limit Take-off Ability
Don't Ever Land There Again
Departures Extra-Late, Tardy Arrivals
Directed Everybody's Luggage To Atlanta
Doesn't Even Leave The Airport
Doesn't Ever Let Terrorists Aboard
Doesn't Experience Like This Andrenalise?
Doesn't Everybody Like This Airline?
Don't Even Let Them Aboard
Drunken Engineers Land Too Abruptly
Dazed Executives Leading This Airline
Doing Everything Less Than Average
Damm - Everything Leaves Through Atlanta
Dont Expect Luggage To Arrive

DHL
Damaged, Hidden or Lost
Desperately Hopelessly Lost

EAA
Even Apes Aviate

El Al
Egyptian Louting Arab Loathing
Every Landing Always Late
Every Landing Always Lousy
Everyone’s Luggage Always Lost

Emirates

English Managed, Indian Run, A Thousand Ex-pats Suffering

Finnair
Flies Ideally? Nah, Not Airborne In Reality

GARUDA
Good And Reliable.........Under Dutch Administration

Gulf Air
Get Used to Late Flights - Aircraft In Repair

JAL
Journey Always Late

JAT
Joke About Time

JMC
Just More Crap

KLM
Kamikaze Loving Maniacs
Keep Looking Mother
Kiss on Lips & Mouth

Liat

Luggage Is Always Tardy
Lost in-between Antigua, Trinidad
Leave island any time
Late If At All
Luggage In Any Terminal

Lot
Landing On Templehof (In the early '80 few planes from LOT were hijacked to the West Berlin and almost always landed at Templehof airfield.)
Lots Of Trouble

Lufthansa
Let Us F*ck The Hostess As No Steward Available
Let Us Fiddle The Hostess And Not Say Anything

MIAT
Maybe I Arrive Today

Monarch
Most Orgasmic Nymphos Are Routinely Carried home

NAC
Not A Clue

Northwest
Nobody Out Ranks This Horrid, Worthless, Excruciatingly Sluggish Transport

Olympic
Onassis Likes Your Money Paid In Cash

PAL
Plane Always Late

Pan Am
Passengers Always Need A Mortician
Pilots Are Not A Must
Poor Airline Needs Any Money

PIA
Passenger's Illegal Abductor
Prayers In the Air
Perhaps I Arrive
Please Inform Allah

PSA
Paul's Saturday Airline

PWA
Pete's Wobbly Airline
Piddly Widdly Airline
Please Wait Awhile

QANTAS

Queasy and Nauseous, Tired And Sick
Queers And Nymphomaniacs Trained As Stewards
Queer And Nasty Types As Stewards
Quick And Nasty Transportation, Australian Style
Quite A Neat Trick, Arriving Safely
Quite A Nice Trip, Any Survivors?
Queer and Nasty, Try Another Service
Quits Air-travel, Next Time Approaches Ship

Ryanair

Running Your Ailing National Airline Into Receivership

Sabena
Such A Bad Experience - Never Again
Send All Baggage Everywhere Never Arriving
Select A Better European National Airline

SAHSA
Stay At Home, Stay Alive

SAS
Sweet And Sexy
Service After Sex
Sex And Satisfaction
Sex Always Supplied
Same As Sabena
Such A S***

Saudia
Sudden Arrivals Unannounced Departures Inshallah Airlines

SIA
Sex In the Air
Singapore Imitates America

Song
Same Old Nasty Girls

Swiss
So What Its Still Swissair

Swissair
Sexy Women In Swissair Service Are Incredibly Raunchy / Rare

TAA
Try Another Airline

TACA
Take A/C Anywhere
Take Another Carrier Always
Take A Chance Airways
Take A Coffin Along
Tome Alcohol Cuanda Aborda

TAP
Take A Parachute
Take Another Plane

THY
They Hate You

TNT
Tomorrow Not Tonight

TRANSAVIA
To Rape A Nice Stewardess After V1 is Allowed

TWA
Teeny Weeny Airlines
Terrorists Welcome Aboard
That Was Accidental
That Was Awful
Thieves, Whores & Alcoholics
Today's Worst Airline
Tomorrow’s Worst Airline
Tomorrow We'll Arrive
Tomorrow's Widebody Accident
Totally Wasted Airlines
Travel With Arabs
Travel With Alcohol
Try Walking Across
Tits Women & Ass
Try With Another

United
U Need Insurance That Exempts Death
Usually No Injuries - Though Everybody Dies
Usually Not Inclined To Eliminate Disasters

USAir
Unfortunately Still Allegheny In Reality (used to be Allegheny Airlines)
Underwater Seats Available In Rear

UTA
Unlikely To Arrive
Unable To Ascend

Varig

Virgin's Are Rare In Glasgow
Voyage Awfully Rough Into Gringoland

Virgin
Very Interesting Ride: Going Into Nymphos

:)
Music is the best...............

User avatar
Helmet
Official Bard of the Fishies
Posts: 976
Joined: Sun Aug 06, 2006 19:54
Location: Leicester

Postby Helmet » Sat Jun 23, 2007 12:44

Flight Attendant Humour


(I know you've seen a few of these before.................)


Lufthansa Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it could affect the flight trim."
********************************************************

On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

********************************************************
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

********************************************************
After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

********************************************************
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

********************************************************
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

********************************************************
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.

********************************************************
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, margarine cups will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child...pick your favorite.

********************************************************
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

********************************************************
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

********************************************************
Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said: "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."

********************************************************
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or other adults acting like children."

********************************************************
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
********************************************************
On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you are going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
********************************************************
"Last one off the plane must clean it.

********************************************************
From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight...!

********************************************************
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants fault...it was the asphalt!"

********************************************************
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

********************************************************
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

********************************************************
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

********************************************************
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

********************************************************
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

:)
Music is the best...............