Problem and Advice Page

The place to talk about off topic, non-Cardiacs related stuff and topics that do not belong in another forum.

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frostbyte
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Postby frostbyte » Sun Apr 01, 2007 11:15

hahahahahaha

i am so gonna email this to my colleague, who is a complete BMW freak, but since he crashed his last one into a Skoda, is now driving a....wait for it...... Nissan MIcra

hahahahahahahahhaha
"We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?"

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Helmet
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Postby Helmet » Sun Apr 01, 2007 11:21

Mechanical problems

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.

Note: Qantas is the only major airline that has never had a major
accident.

P = The problem logged by the pilot
S = The solution and action taken by the maintenance people.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

:)
Music is the best...............

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Helmet
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Postby Helmet » Sun Apr 22, 2007 21:24

Job applications

Strange Things People Put on Their Job Applications


These are from actual resumes:

"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs.


"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."

"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."

"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."

"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."

"Number of dependents: 40."

"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."

RESUME BLOOPERS

"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:


"Responsibility makes me nervous."


"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:00 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."

REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:

"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."

"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:

"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."

"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:

"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:

"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."

PERSONAL INTERESTS:

"Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."

:)
Music is the best...............

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Helmet
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Postby Helmet » Sun Apr 22, 2007 21:31

Wisdom from Swiss Tony

MAKING COFFEE
Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir... gently and firmly. You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.

LAYING A CARPET
Laying a carpet is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.

HANGING WALLPAPER
Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.

PUTTING UP A TENT
Putting up a tent, is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'... slip in to the old bag.

WASHING A CAR
Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.

ANSWERING THE PHONE
Answering the phone, is... a little like making love to a beautiful woman. In that you've gotta... lift the receiver, put it to your ear, speak ...loudly and clearly ... oh, yes - and don't forget to state your name.

BEING IN THERAPY
And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You ... get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.

BEING IN A CRASH
Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is ... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.

GOING FISHING
Of course, As you know, I'm a very keen fisherman myself. You know, I've often thought that going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod over, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.

:)
Music is the best...............

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Helmet
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Postby Helmet » Wed Apr 25, 2007 22:43

How smart is Your Right Foot??

Just try this. It is from an orthopedic surgeon...........
This will boggle your mind and you will keep trying over and over again t o see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can't. It's preprogrammed in your brain!

1. WITHOUT anyone watching you (they will think you are GOOFY......) and while sitting where you are at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right ha nd .

Your foot will change direction.

I TOLD YOU SO!!!
And there's nothing you can do about it! ; ;

You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so ! !

hmmm :?
Music is the best...............

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Helmet
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Postby Helmet » Wed Apr 25, 2007 22:50

Cancel your cards before you die

This sounds like as good advice as don't rent a casket when you die. It's not just the government... Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "Maybe you should turn it over to collections."
Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
Family Member: "So what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
Citibank: "Excuse me?"
Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?"
Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Citibank: "Are you her lawyer?"
Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew."
(Lawyer info given)
Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given)
After they get the fax:
Citibank: "Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."
Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
Citibank: "That might help."
Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."
Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

:shock:
Music is the best...............

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Helmet
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Postby Helmet » Wed Apr 25, 2007 22:51

Equations and statistics

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
_____________________________

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
______________________________

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
______________________________

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
_____________________________

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
_____________________________

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
______________________________

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
______________________________

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
_____________________________

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

:)
Music is the best...............

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Helmet
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Postby Helmet » Wed Apr 25, 2007 22:57

Caught sleeping at your desk?

Five best things to say if you're caught sleeping at your desk:

5. They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."

4. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent me to."

3. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Tippex. You probably got here just in time."

2. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"

AND THE NUMBER ONE BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:
1. Raise your head slowly and say "...in Jesus' name. Amen."

:)
Music is the best...............

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Pet Lamb
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Postby Pet Lamb » Thu Apr 26, 2007 18:21

Helmet wrote:2. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"


I've done that one...!!!!! :lol:

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Helmet
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Postby Helmet » Mon Apr 30, 2007 08:32

Strange Baseball Injuries

These are true injuries suffered by baseball players.

Infielder Chris Brown missed a game because he "slept on his eye funny".

Pitcher Adam Eaton stabbed himself in the stomach as he was using a knife to open a DVD wrapper.

Sammy Sosa was disabled after a violent sneeze.

Pitcher Jeff Juden missed a start because a tattoo he got prior to the season opener got infected.

Reliever Randy Flores was put on the disabled list - while removing his socks after a game, a large patch of skin also came off.

DH Mickey Tettleton went on the disabled list with athlete's foot. The story is that he tied his shoes too tight.

Utility infielder Bret Barberie missed a game because he mistakenly rubbed chili juice in his eyes.

Pitcher Ricky Bones injured his lower back getting out of a chair while watching television in the clubhouse.

Outfielder Dustan Mohr strained his groin while trying to get out of the dugout for a celebration for another player's home run.

Reliever Larry Anderson strained a rib muscle jumping from the bench to join a brawl.

Shortstop Rey Quinones wasn't available as a pinch hitter as he was in the clubhouse playing Nintendo. (OK, it's not an injury, but it's pretty funny!)

Pitcher Mark Smith was injured when he stuck his hand into an air conditioner to see why it wasn't working.

Reliever Joey Eischen broke his arm jumping into the air to field a ground ball.

Shortstop Clint Barmes fell down some stairs and broke his collarbone. He was unable to break his fall because he was cradling a package of venison given to him from teammate Todd Helton.

Pitcher Greg Harris suffered a strained elbow flipping sunflower seeds while sitting in the bullpen.

Pitcher Randy Veres injured his hand pounding on the hotel room wall, trying to get the people in the next room to be quiet.

Third baseman Randy Johnson strained his back putting on his socks.

Pitcher Byron McLaughlin cut his right hand when he was practicing his windup in his hotel room. He was apparently too close to the mirror.

Catcher Brent Mayne missed an entire month in the 2002 season because he turned his head to check traffic as he was crossing the street - and wrenched his back.

Pitcher Steve Foster injured his shoulder at a taping of a segment for "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno".

Speedster Rickey Henderson allegedly missed several games in August due to frostbite.

Outfielder Ken Griffey Jr. Missed a game after his cup slipped and pinched a testicle.

Pitcher Oliver Perez went on the 15 day disabled list after breaking his toe while kicking a laundry cart in the visitor's clubhouse.

Outfielder Marty Cordova missed a game after he burned his face, spending too much time under a tanning lamp.

Jose Cardenal missed a game because he was kept awake all night by crickets chirping in his hotel room.

Pitcher Kenny Rogers dislocated his pinky finger (on his non-pitching hand) after punching out a water cooler.

Outfielder Glenallen Hill received cuts over much of his body after he fell out of bed onto a glass table. He was having a nightmare about being covered in spiders.

Pitcher Rich Harden strained his shoulder turning off his alarm clock.

Second baseman Jeff Kent claimed he hurt his wrist while washing his truck. Speculation is that he was injured in a motorcycle accident while doing tricks.

Infielder Paul Molitor dislocated a knuckle when it got stuck in another player's glove.

Pitcher Terry Mulholland scratched his eye on a feather that was sticking out of a pillow.

Hall of Fame pitcher Phil Niekro was injured while shaking hands.

Pitcher Doc Gooden missed a start when a teammate accidentally hit him with a golf club in the locker room.

Shortstop Jason Bartlett tore the nail off his left pinky while sliding his hand under the television in his room at the Ritz Carlton hotel in Detroit.

Shortstop Juan Castro hurt his neck on the pillow at the same Ritz Carlton hotel in Detroit.

Infielder Kent Hrbek sprained an ankle wrestling with a clubhouse attendant, forcing him to miss the final ten days of the season.

Famed outfielder Kevin Mitchell strained a muscle while vomiting.

Kevin Mitchell also was hurt by a microwaved donut. Supposedly eating this led to his needing a root canal.

Pitcher Pascual Perez missed a game in Atlanta because he couldn't find the correct exit ramp on the freeway. OK, it's not an injury, but it's pretty funny!

Wade Boggs hurt his back putting on his cowboy boots.

Pitcher Mike Remlinger missed 15 days because he broke his left pinky in a clubhouse recliner.

Reliever Steve Sparks dislocated his shoulder while trying to tear a phone book in half.

Pitcher Carlos Perez broke his nose in a car accident - he was trying to pass the team bus at the time.

John Smoltz burned his chest while ironing the shirt he was wearing.

Outfielder Oddibe McDowell sliced his hand while buttering a roll at the annual "Welcome Luncheon" held by the Texas Rangers.

Pitcher Charlie Hough broke his finger shaking hands.

Nolan Ryan missed a start after being bitten by a coyote.

Shortstop Bobby Crosby cracked two ribs while swinging the bat during opening day practice.

Outfielder Terry Harper separated a shoulder after high-fiving a teammate.

Outfielder Vince Coleman missed the entire 1985 World Series after being rolled up in the tarp machine at Busch Stadium.

Pitcher David Cone missed a start because his mother-in-law's Jack Russell Terrier bit him.

Hall of Famer George Brett broke a toe on a chair when he was running from the kitchen to the living room to see baseball on TV.

Future Hall of Famer Tony Gwynn missed several games because he smashed his finger in the door of his luxury car, on the way to the bank.

Pitcher Carlos Zambrano was diagnosed with carpal tunnel syndrome after spending as many as five hours daily on the Internet.

Red Sox rookie Clarence Blethen thought he looked older and meaner if he took his false teeth out when he pitched. He forgot to put them back in his mouth when he was batting. While sliding into second base to break up a double play, his own teeth bit himself in the butt.
:)
Music is the best...............

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Helmet
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Postby Helmet » Wed May 02, 2007 20:05

Special Birthday

This week we celebrated a special birthday.

Monica Lewinsky turned 31 this week. Can you believe it?

It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees!!!!

They grow up so fast!

:)
Music is the best...............

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Helmet
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Postby Helmet » Tue May 08, 2007 09:40

more Coleman's

"It's 1-1, an exact reversal of the score on Saturday."
Radio 5 Live commentator

"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock."
Barry Venison

"A tremendous strike which hit the defender full on the arm - and it nearly came off."
Kevin Keegan

"Lampard fired straight through the middle of a non-existent wall."
Paul McKenna

"A win would be better than a draw."
Denis Law

"The header was cleared off the line by the crossbar."
Simon Brotherton

" Barnsley have started off the way they mean to begin."
Chris Kamara

"The substitute is about to come on - he's a player who was left out of the starting line-up today."
Kevin Keegan

"Ruud Gullit was able to impose his multi-lingual skills on this match."
John Motson

"At this stage of the season I just tell the players to get points under their bags."
George Graham

"He's carrying his left leg, which, to be honest, is his only leg."
Steve Coppell

"Think of a number between 10 and 11."
Ron Atkinson

" England have the best fans in the world and Scotland 's fans are second-to-none."
Kevin Keegan

"He says that he will walk away from the game when his legs go."
Radio Commentator

"I'd love to be a mole on the wall in the Liverpool dressing room at half-time."
Kevin Keegan

"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
Radio commentator

"Unless the chairman decides to sack me, I won't be quitting."
Carlton Palmer

"Football's like a big market place and people go to the market every day to buy their vegetables."
Bobby Robson

"Michael Owen - he's got the legs of a salmon."
Sky TV commentator

"Robbie Keane's not the second choice, he's my first choice. But Jermain Defoe is as well."
Martin Jol

"Luis Figo is totally different to David Beckham, and vice versa."
Kevin Keegan

"I don't want to be either partial or impartial."
Frank McLintock

"The lads really ran their socks into the ground."
Alex Ferguson

"Ally McCoist will always get you a goal, whether he's playing or on the bench."
Mark Hateley

" Liverpool will think 'we could have won this 2-2'"
Ron Atkinson

"That was only a yard away from being an inch-perfect pass."
Murdo MacLeod

"The best thing for them to do ( Ireland ) is to stay at 0-0 until they score the goal."
Martin O'Neill

"The Germans only have one player under 22, and he's 23."
Kevin Keegan

"If I was still at Ipswich , I wouldn't be where I am today."
Dalian Atkinson

"We ( England ) haven't been scoring goals, but football's not just about scoring goals. It's about winning."
Alan Shearer

"If you want change, you've got to stick with it."
Terry Venables

"You get bunches of players like you do bananas, though that is a bad comparison."
Kevin Keegan

"If we played like that every week, we wouldn't be so inconsistent."
Bryan Robson

"Well, Clive, it's all about the two Ms - movement and positioning."
Ron Atkinson

"That's twice he ( Terry Phelan ) has got between himself and the goal."
Brian Marwood

"Anyone who takes drugs should be hammered."
Andy Gray

"There are 0-0 draws and 0-0 draws, and this was a 0-0 draw."
John Sillett

"Not many teams will come to Arsenal and get anything, home or away."
Kevin Keegan

"You can't say my team aren't winners. They've proved that by finishing fourth, third and second in the past three seasons."
Gerard Houllier, showing that Liverpool weren't winners!

"Unfortunately, we keep kicking ourselves in the foot."
Ray Wilkins

"I felt a lump in my throat as the ball went in."
Terry Venables

"Michael Owen to Newcastle is the biggest transfer of the season so far - and it will be until there's a bigger one."
Jim White

"Yes, six inches either side of the post and that would have been a goal."
Radio commentator

"I've had an interest in racing all my life, or longer really."
Kevin Keegan



"It's a lot harder to play football when you haven't got the ball."
Andy Gray

"It's not as good as Adams ' challenge, but it's on a par."
Ron Atkinson

"That would have been a goal if it wasn't saved."
Kevin Keegan

" Derby County won't be pulling up any flowers in the Championship this season."
Radio commentator ( Derby finished fourth!)

"Every single seat is absolutely packed."
Ron Jones

"I can learn as much from Darius Vassell as he can from me - but he can learn more"
Andrew Cole

"We must have had 99 per cent of the match. It was the other three per cent that cost us."
Ruud Gullitt

"The tide is very much in our court now."
Kevin Keegan

"He'll probably wake up having sleepless nights about that one."
Alan Parry

"For those of you watching who do not have television sets, live commentary is on Radio 2."
David Coleman

"We had already beaten them 4-0 and 7-0 earlier this season, so we knew we were in for a really tough game today."
Barry Ferguson

"We had two shots saved off the line by the post."
Craig Brown

"He ( Michael Owen ) is a good goalscorer, not a natural born one - not yet. That takes time."
Glenn Hoddle

" Gary always weighed up his options, especially when he had no choice."
Kevin Keegan

"Someone in the England team will have to grab the ball by the horns."
Ron Atkinson

"Players prefer the FA Cup because it's the end of season curtain-raiser."
Peter Withe

"Goals change games."
Ron Atkinson

"You can't do better than go away from home and get a draw."
Kevin Keegan

" Germany are a very difficult team to play - they had eleven internationals out there today."
Steve Lomas

"If you gave Arsene Wenger eleven players and told him to pick his team, this would be it."
Andy Gray

"If you need just a first eleven and four others, why did Columbus sail to India to discover America ?"
Claudio Ranieri and the question which I'm sure has been on all our minds!

"To be a good player in the Premiership you have to perform on the pitch, as it is everywhere."
Kanu

"Well, Harry, fifth place last year, how can you better that?"
Fergus Sweeney

"Henning Berg, one of the players classified as a foreigner, which obviously as a Norwegian is something he's used to."
Radio commentator

"It's nice for us to have a fresh face in the camp to bounce things off."
Lawrie Sanchez

"Footballers are no different from human beings."
Graham Taylor

"I have seen players sent off for far worse offences than that."
Alan Brazil

"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw"
Ron Atkinson

"And Seaman, just like a falling oak, manages to change direction."
John Motson

"They compare Steve McManaman to Steve Heighway and he's nothing like him, but I can see why - it's because he's a bit different."
Kevin Keegan

"And some 500 Italians made the trip, in a crowd of only 400."
Radio Commentator

"What do you think of Manchester United's three Rs - Rooney, Ronaldo and van Nistelrooy?"
Rob McCaffrey

"Goalkeepers aren't born today until they're in their late twenties or thirties."
Kevin Keegan

"That could have been his second yellow card ? if he'd already got his first one of course"
Trevor Brooking

"The game is balanced in Arsenal's favour."
John Motson

"If you don't score you are not going to win a match."
Bobby Robson

"If you can't stand the heat in the dressing-room, get out of the kitchen"
Terry Venables

"I don't want to compare Bowditch to Matt Le Tissier, but the way he scored his goal was similar to Matt."
Joe Royle

"The ref was vertically 15 yards away."
Kevin Keegan

"He may well yet pull his team from the edge of the cliff by the scruff of its neck into the land of milk and honey."
Jonathan Hayward

"Beckenbauer has really gambled all his eggs."
Ron Atkinson

"....and so they have not been able to improve their 100% record."
Radio Commentator

"If history is going to repeat itself I should think we can expect the same thing again."
Terry Venables

"The game has gone rather scrappy as both sides realise they could win this match or lose it."
Kevin Keegan

"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona "
Mark Draper

"If it stays as it is I can't see it altering."
Graham Taylor

"As with every young player these days, Ronaldo is 18."
Alex Ferguson

"Hodge scored for Forest after 22 seconds - totally against the run of play."
Peter Lorenzo

"We don't want our players to be monks. We want them to be better football players because a monk doesn't play football at this level."
Bobby Robson

"Don't tell those coming in the final result of that fantastic match, but let's just have another look at Italy 's winning goal."
David Coleman

"I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country."
Ian Rush on his spell at Juventus

"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat."
Ron Atkinson, breaking the habit of a lifetime!

"You're on your own out there with ten mates."
Michael Owen

" Argentina are the second best team in the world and there is no higher praise that that."
Kevin Keegan

"At this level, if five or six players don't turn up, you'll get beat."
Kevin Keegan yet again.

"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel."
Stuart Pearce

"I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league."
Mark Viduka

"I came to Nantes two years ago and it's much the same today, except that it's completely different"
Kevin Keegan, should they be called Keeganballs!

"And I honestly believe we can go all the way to Wembley - unless somebody knocks us out."
Dave Bassett

"All the cul-de-sacs are closed for Scotland ."
Joe Jordan

He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all over their faces"
Ron Atkinson

"I want to win the Nobel Peace Prize - and I'm going to fight as hard as I can to make it happen."
Ronaldo

"The underdogs will start favourites for this match."
Craig Brown

"At 6 foot 7 Peter Crouch isn't as tall as he looks."
Gabby Logan

"Chris Porter scored his first league goal last week, and he's done the same this week."
Jeff Stelling

"The Belgians will play like their fellow Scandinavians , Denmark and Sweden ."
Andy Townsend

" Ireland will give 99% - everything they've got."
Mark Lawrenson

"In some ways, cramp is worse than having a broken leg."
Kevin Keegan

"The game is in a neutral country for both teams."
David Beckham

"Mirandinha will have more shots this afternoon than both sides put together."
Malcolm Macdonald

"Michael Owen is irreplaceable, but Sven has Emile Heskey, James Beattie, Wayne Rooney and Darius Vassell and whoever he picks can do the job."
David Platt

"I don't want to give Robbie Blake any praise, but he was superb."
Steve Cotterill

"The first 90 minutes of the match are the most important."
Bobby Robson

"If Villa got another goal now it would change the scoreline completely."
Tony Cottee

"It all went a bit grape-shaped."
Jason McAteer

"I don't think there's anyone bigger or smaller than Maradona."
Kevin Keegan

"He's started anticipating what's going to happen before it's even happened."
Graeme Le Saux

"That kind of ball is meat and two drink for the Palace defence."
Denis Irwin

"Paolo di Canio is capable of scoring the goal he scored."
Bryan Robson

"I don't know why we aren't scoring as we're keeping clean sheets."
Edwin van der Sar

"If Glenn Hoddle had been any other nationality, he would have had 70 or 80 caps for England ."
John Barnes

"I wouldn't be surprised if this game went all the way to the finish."
Ian St John

" Ireland have won a corner, and it's in a very good position."
RTE commentator

"It would be foolish to believe that automatic promotion is automatic in any way whatsoever."
Dave Bassett

"If you count your chickens before they have hatched, they won't lay an egg."
Bobby Robson

"That was a inch perfect pass to no one."
Ray Wilkins

" Nicolas Anelka left Arsenal for £23million and they built a training ground on him. "
Kevin Keegan

" There was nothing wrong with the performance, apart from throwing away the game. "
Glenn Hoddle

"We were in an awkward position against Yugoslavia in that in order to win we needed to score more goals than they did."
Jose Antonio Camacho

"Owen scores and breaks Lineker's competitive scoring record. Although this being a friendly it doesn't actual count, so he hasn't quite done it yet."
John Motson

"If I had a blank piece of paper there'd be five names on it.?
Kevin Keegan

"Don't ask me what a typical Brazilian is because I don't know what a typical Brazilian is. But Romario was a typical Brazilian.?
Bobby Robson

"He's unpleased about that.?
Mark Bright

"I'm a firm believer that if the other side scores first, you have to score twice to win.?
Howard Wilkinson

"Our target is to get into the play-offs. If not, we want automatic promotion.?
Dennis Oli of Grays Athletic ? things must be different in the non-league world!

"We didn't underestimate them - they were just a lot better than we thought.?
Bobby Robson

"In terms of the Richter scale this defeat was a force 8 gale.?
John Lyall

"That's not the type of header you want to see your defender make, with his hand.?
Ron Atkinson

"I don't blame individuals, I blame myself.?
Joe Royle

" Chesterfield 1 ? Chester 1. Another score draw there in that local derby.?
Des Lynam

"Steve McManaman once described Zinedine Zidane as ridiculous. You can't get a higher compliment than that.?
Jason McAteer

"Chris Waddle is off the pitch at the moment ? exactly the position he is at his most menacing.?
Gerald Sinstadt

"If someone in the crowd spits at you, you have just got to swallow it.?
Gary Lineker

"I never make predictions and I never will.?
Paul Gascoigne, making a prediction!

"I never make forecasts but whoever wins that game will win the final.?
Ken Bates doing a Gascoigne

"I'm not trying to make excuses for David Seaman but I think the lights may have been a problem.?
Kevin Keegan - making excuses for David Seaman

"He must be lightning slow.?
Ron Atkinson

"Jermaine Jenas is a fit lad. He gets from box to box in all of 90 minutes.?
Bobby Robson

"As a striker, you are either in a purple patch or struggling. At the moment, I'm somewhere in between.?
Bob Taylor

"When you are 4-0 up you should never lose 7-1.?
Lawrie McMenemy

"One thing about Germany ? they'll be organised, they'll be big and they'll be strong."
Ally McCoist

"A game is not won until it is lost."
David Pleat

"The lad got over-excited when he saw the whites of the goalposts's eyes."
Steve Coppell

"Steve Bruce is like a cat on hot tin bricks."
Alvin Martin

"As one door closes, another one shuts."
Howard Wilkinson

"Yeading was a potential banana blip for Newcastle ."
Bobby Robson

"Maths is totally done differently to what I was teached when I was at school."
David Beckham (and English was probably teached differently as well)

"I'd love the person who taught Jose Mourinho English to taught me."
Steve Claridge, who may have gone to the same school as David Beckham!

"Even though two and two might look like four, it could be three or five."
Kevin Keegan getting close to the right answer

"Mark Hughes crossed every I and dotted every T."
Robbie Savage getting it all wrong!

"Ogrizovic was in two minds as to whether to go or stay and in the end he did neither."
Radio commentator

"Real's second goal made it 3-0."
Des Lynam

"Yes, he is not unused to playing in midfield, but at the same time he's not used to playing there either."
Emlyn Hughes

"They've picked their heads up off the ground, and they now have a lot to carry on their shoulders."
Ron Atkinson

"People will look at Bowyer and Woodgate and say ? Well, there's no mud without flames '."
Gordon Taylor

"We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then they equalized."
Ian McNail

"There's such a fine line between defeat and losing."
Gary Newbon

"Viv Anderson has pissed a fatness test."
John Helm

"If you cut Jamie Carragher open, he'll bleed red."
Clive Tyldesley

"The tackles are coming in thick and thin now."
Alan Brazil

"Lampard's not the first player to run to the crowd with lips over his mouth."
Adrian Chiles

"They ( Rosenborg ) have won 66 games, and they've scored in all of them."
Brian Moore

"They can't change any of their players, but they can change on of their players, and he's the coach."
Bobby Robson

"The world is my lobster."
Keith O'Neill

"It was still moving when it hit the back of the net."
Kevin Keegan

"Arsenal are streets ahead of everyone in this league and Manchester United are up there with them."
Craig Bellamy

"If that had gone in, it would have been a goal."
David Coleman

"The Croatians don't play well without the ball."
Barry Venison

"Woodcock would have scored but his shot was too perfect."
Ron Atkinson

"I didn't say them things that I said."
Glenn Hoddle

"I predicted in August that Celtic would reach the final. On the eve of that final I stand by that prediction."
Archie Macpherson

"Football's not like an electric light ? you can't just flick the button and change from slow to quick."
John Greig

"The Champions League semi-final is over two legs, so it will be a one-off affair."
Graham Beecroft

"The unthinkable is not something we are thinking about at the moment."
Peter Kenyon

"You need at least eight or nine men in a ten-man wall."
Mark Lawrenson

"I'd been ill and hadn't trained for a week and I'd been out of the team for three weeks before that, so I wasn't sharp. I got cramp before half-time as well. But I'm not one to make excuses."
Clinton Morrison

"He just got his body between himself and the goal."
Ray Clemence

"Neil Baker is standing on the touchline with hands in tracksuit bottoms scratching his head."
Graham McGarry

"The first half was end-to-end stuff. In contrast, in this second half it's been one end to the other."
Lou Macari

"It's understandable that people are keeping one eye on the pot and another up the chimney."
Kevin Keegan

"All of West Ham's away victories have come on opponents' territory this season."
Marcus Buckland

"It's 60-40 against him being fit, but he's got half a chance."
Glenn Hoddle

"The manager could not even talk to us at the interval. He said we were bad."
John Terry

"He's very fast and if he gets a yard ahead of himself nobody will catch him."
Bobby Robson

"People will say that was typical City, which really annoys me. But that's typical City I suppose."
A typical Kevin Keegan comment

"Celtic manager Davie Hay still has a fresh pair of legs up his sleeve."
John Greig

"I've had 14 bookings this season, 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable."
Paul Gascoigne

"Apart from their goals, Norway haven't scored."
Terry Venables

" Doncaster will hit Villa with fire and broomstick."
John Gregory

"He's got a knock on his shin there, just above the knee."
Frank Stapleton

"Roy Keane going to Celtic would be a case of out of the goldfish bowl, into the fire."
Radio commentator

"I'd be surprised if all 22 players are on the field at the end of the game ? one's already been sent off."
George Best

"What I said to them at half time would be unprintable on the radio."
Gerry Francis

"They ( Leeds United ) used to be a bit like Arsenal, winning by one goal to nil or even less."
Nasser Hussain who thankfully knows more about cricket

" Burton really couldn't lose tonight ? but they have."
Ian Wright

"Our current financial situation means that if we want to buy, we have to spend."
Kevin Keegan

"The Gillingham players have slumped to their feet."
Mick Quinn

"He's signalling to the bench with his groin."
Mark Bright

"I would not say he ( David Ginola ) is the best left-winger in the Premiership, but there are none better."
Ron Atkinson

"Both sides have scored a couple of goals, and both sides have conceded a couple of goals."
Peter Withe during a radio commentary

"For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip"
John Motson

"John Bond has brought in a young left-sided midfield player, who I guess will play on the left side of midfield."
Jimmy Armfield

"To be second with one game to go ? you can't ask for more."
Stuart McCall

"I can count on the fingers of one hand ten games where we've caused our own downfall."
Joe Kinnear

"No regrets, none at all. My only regret is that we went out on penalties. That's my only regret but no, no regrets."
Mick McCarthy

"The Baggio brothers, of course, are not related."
RTE commentator

"Aston Villa are seventh in the league. That's almost as high as you can get without being one of the top six."
Ian Payne

"We had enough chances to win the game. In fact we did win it."
Alex Smith when Aberdeen manager

"There will be a game where somebody scores more than Brazil and that might be the game that they lose."
Bobby Robson

"Manchester United could only beat Exeter 2-0 ? and it was just 1-0 at one point."
Alan Brazil

"That was a continuance of what we have seen most of the season ? that is, various clubs beating each other."
Ron Noades

"You half fancied that to go in as it was rising and dipping at the same time."
Ron Atkinson

"I'm not a believer in luck, but I do believe you need it."
Alan Ball

"I was feeling as sick as the proverbial donkey."
Mick McCarthy

"I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened though I don't know into what religion yet."
David Beckham

"So, this movie you star in, The Life Story of George Best, tell us what it's about."
Sky Sports commentator

"I can take the pressure off the clock ticking on the wall."
Kevin Keegan

"I'd never allow myself to let myself call myself a coward."
Graham Taylor

"I was a young lad when I was growing up."
David O'Leary

"I just wonder what would have happened if the shirt had been on the other foot."
Mike Walker

"That was the perfect penalty - apart from he missed it."
Rob McCaffrey

"Goals dictate how matches go."
Paul Merson

"We haven't scored which means you haven't got a chance of winning."
Bobby Robson

"He had defenders swarming around him like a wet blanket."
Gerry Armstrong

"When England go to Turkey there could be fatalities ? or even worse, injuries."
Phil Neal

:)
Music is the best...............

User avatar
Helmet
Official Bard of the Fishies
Posts: 976
Joined: Sun Aug 06, 2006 19:54
Location: Leicester

Postby Helmet » Wed May 09, 2007 08:27

Amazing home remedies

1. If you are choking on an ice cube , don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! t he blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough!

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.

8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
:)
Music is the best...............

User avatar
Helmet
Official Bard of the Fishies
Posts: 976
Joined: Sun Aug 06, 2006 19:54
Location: Leicester

Postby Helmet » Thu May 17, 2007 22:49

WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ

Good luck and be honest.

WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ

(Passing requires 4 correct answers)

Please answer all questions before scrolling down for the answers.




1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?



2) Which country makes Panama hats?



3) From which animal do we get catgut?



4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?



5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?



6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?



7) What was King George VI's first name?



8) What color is a purple finch?



9) Where are Chinese Gooseberries from?



10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?





All done?

Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass. Check your answers below.



















































































































































































ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ



(Passing requires 4 correct answers)




1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years



2) Which country makes Panamahats? Ecuador



3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses



4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November



5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur



6) The Canary Islandsin the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs



7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert



8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson



9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand



10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange, of course.





What do you mean, you failed?

:)
Music is the best...............

User avatar
Helmet
Official Bard of the Fishies
Posts: 976
Joined: Sun Aug 06, 2006 19:54
Location: Leicester

Postby Helmet » Thu May 17, 2007 22:50

Health Check

HEALTH CHECK QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't
waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up
your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can
extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than
an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy
vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily
allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even
more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.
In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be
bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best
feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had
about food and diets.
And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the
intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body,
but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in
the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming
"WOO HOO, What a Ride"


:)
Music is the best...............